The hotel room is dark when we crash through the front door, one of Harry’s hands haphazardly searching for a light switch while the other frantically fumbles with the zipper on my dress.
"Fucking hell," he curses in a mumble against my sore lips as he gives up on lighting our way and pulls me harder into his chest, our feet stumbling blindly towards any remotely soft surface. My ankle hits what feels like a sofa and I fall backwards on the seemingly endless cushion, Harry’s toned and muscular body molded to mine.
Every cell inside of me is burning for this unbelievable man, the fire fueled by lust, desire, alcohol, and a line or two of blow. I know the feeling is clearly mutual when Harry tears away from me and flips me over on my hands and knees with ease, a growl escaping his throat when he takes the back of my dress and rips it completely down the seam.
I thought I knew who I was, so sure of myself that I regarded my sense of self as unshakeable. I didn’t know that I had been standing on the edge of quicksand, enjoying the feeling of soft earth between my toes too much to realize I was slowly sinking. It started gradually, small events so seemingly insignificant that I failed to see the big picture I was painting for myself.
Sometimes I close my eyes and I’m back in the countryside, nodding off at dusk to the glow of lazy fireflies and the sounds of the mindless picking of a guitar and monotonous nature by the lake. Sometimes I’m speeding down the city highway past curfew junior year of high school, my car packed with friends laughing and screaming when the torrential rain pelts our skin through the open windows. Sometimes I’m in college, forgotten books covering my small mattress as I watch the world outside turn white while my tongue burns from hot apple cider.
Other times my eyes are open and I’m staring at an empty fridge on an empty stomach before crawling into my empty bed.
I go to one before leaving him for another in an endless cycle, then I’m screaming into my pillow as pain shoots through my abdomen and stare blankly at the blood in the white bowl not comprehending but unable to feign ignorance. Panic sets in and even though I know it’s such a minute possibility, I can’t help but wonder if it is or ever was truly real.
Could it really be ending before it even had a chance to begin? Is the stress of holding the weight of my world on my weary shoulders to blame, or are all of my worried “what if’s” not a complete figment of my imagination?
One moment I’m paralyzed with the thought of a bundle of cells growing and dividing rapidly inside of me that I pray to God aren’t really there, then the next I’m wondering if I would peer down into brown like mine or hazel like his.
Then I see nothing but red, far too painful and early to be normal.
And I’m scared.
I’m really, really fucking terrified.
But all I can think about right now is you guys, and how much I miss you. I not only let myself down, but I let you down as well, and for that I am truly sorry. Every time I was sure I was ready to come back, that I was truly prepared, I was wrong.
So I’m not going to make any more promises that I can’t keep, but I will tell you this:
I may have lost myself for a while, but I’m slowly finding my way back. I am going to try my hardest to return very soon, and will answer any questions you likely have when I know I can answer them. I apologize for abandoning you guys like I did, and am going to work diligently to make it up to you.
I think, or at least hope, that I can.
Love you to the moon and back,
Just a quick update video before the update video haha! Love you sosososo much xo
Guess who’s back xo
sunday! i’ve worked like 50 hours this week so i haven’t had any time to be on tumblr or anything else really, but have this weekend off so i will be getting back into updating and writing then! xo
you may think i’m listening to you but i’m really just thinking about this gif
Well I’m not going to post a picture just yet, but he’s more than adorable and my date was just…perfect. It was like something out of a movie, so get ready for this shit:
He picked me up at 9:30 Friday night and after getting food we drove out to the middle of the woods away from the world and got on top of his car and looked at the stars together, just taking in the Milky Way and talking about life. Then we ended up freezing our asses off and got back in the car but leaned our chairs back so we could still see the stars then after a while the mood changed and he sat up a little bit so of course I sat up.
I knew it was coming - my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and when he took my face in his hands I literally kept saying “Oh God, oh god” over and over again (out loud, mind you) but when he kissed me all of my nervousness melted away and it felt like there was a sparkler in my chest and it was just so perfect.
So then we moved to his backseat where it was getting pretty heated but I noticed it seemed to have gotten brighter and I shit you not the cops roll up in the middle of nowhere and here we are half clothed in his car but the cop just wanted to make sure we weren’t smoking or drinking (we weren’t) then left.
We stayed out a bit longer then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and of course I was like DAMN RIGHT DAMN STRAIGHT so we get to his house and for about a good hour I sat on the floor at his feet while he sat on his bed playing guitar and singing. Then we move to his bed and stayed up until 7 in the morning talking about life and listening to music and he read me some of his poetry and by that time we were both exhausted so I just stayed over and fell asleep with his face buried in my hair and his arms holding me so close against him and I just felt so safe and warm.
I end up waking at about 3 that afternoon to him still holding onto me but he’s placing really soft and gentle kisses against my neck and I roll over and we just stare at each other for a while and cuddle and laugh and kiss and make fun of each others’ morning hair and talk for a few hours before we get hungry then he takes me to this little diner where we get breakfast at 5:30pm then he drops me off and kisses me again and again and IT WAS THE BEST DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON AAAAAHHHH
fUCK CARO YOU GO
NONO BUT THE BEST PART WAS WHEN WE WERE EATING BREAKFAST I TOLD HIM I COULDN’T FINISH AND HE CALLED ME A QUITTER AND SAID I WAS WEAK THEN FORCED ME TO EAT SOME OF HIS HASH BROWNS THAT HE SMOTHERED IN HOT SAUCE AND SYRUP and i think that means we’re engaged